Literal jokes

Your life literally is as valuable as a summer ant. I'm just gonna stomp you, you're gonna keep coming back, I'm gonna seal up all my cracks, you're gonna keep coming back, why? Cause you keep smelling the syrup, you worthless bitchass nlgga! You're gonna stay on my dick until you die. You serve no purpose in life, your purpose in life is to be on my stream sucking on my dick daily. Your purpose in life is to be in that chat blowing a dick daily. Your life is nothing, you serve ZERO purpose. You should kill yourself, NOW! And give somebody else a piece of that oxygen and ozone layer that's covered up so we can breathe inside this blue trapped bubble. Cause what are you here for? To worship me? Kill yourself! I mean that with a hundred percent with a thousand percent.

What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?

"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"

One day, he started crying out of nowhere. Everyone started crying with him.

There was a crying pandemic going around.

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is literally just a scoreboard.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Who can drink 20 liters of fuel without dying? A jerrycan.

Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?

Because they literally can't even.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Someone cutting the cheese then farted.

Someone sees the cheese, and it smelled like crap (literally). He said, "Who cut the cheese?"

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

How many Joe Biden jokes are there?

None, because they're all true.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Your penis is literally BLUE!

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

Jo Mama is so dumb, she tried to eat the Super Bowl.

Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!