Literal Jokes

Literally the most popular job: youtube

Why's being an electrician the easiest job in the world? It's literally light work

What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?

"Looks like I dropped the mic... LITERALLY"

someone cutting the cheese then farted. someone sees the cheese and it smelled like crap(literally) he said, "who cut the cheese?

Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang(hangout) but they took it too literal

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan* No one: Literally no one: Me:Time to make his life hell😈

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well, there's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my off it.

Apex Legends: exist Titanfall fandom: (Literally on fire and at war with its self) "Everything is fine."

no one: literally no one: Abraham Lincoln: *dies* John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*

I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called 'serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.

Why is that a joke?

Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.

Why is that a joke?

Dude come on you want to start your day off happy or not?

Why is that a joke?

She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.

No seriously dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.

Me: I been up all night, no sleep—

The lie detector I didn’t know I had: lie.

Me: stfu! I’m just singing!

Lie detector: you literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!

Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!

lie detector: it’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM....... You get waken up at 7:00 AM...... you only sleep two hours......

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friends head I say dam, that's a dam big head Nick, then he is like, dude, that's a literal dam.

What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up! What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days! What is the state of Texas for? Guns! What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!) What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly! What is the state of Nevada for? Every heard of gambling? What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting! What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels I mean cars no I gave him literal hot wheels

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side

(Omg omg literally dislike im so cringe)

Your penis is literally BLUE

1st graders: ay yo girl I think you’re beautiful let’s get married!! 2nd graders: uhh don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee. 3rd graders: uh my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up sweetie. 4th graders: hey I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind....... 5th graders(they start wearing makeup): ay girl your eyelashes are pretty I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr. 6th graders: heyyyyy I gotta tell you a secret I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh I’ll text you later! 7th graders: we need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy alright bye now 8th graders: hi sweetheart I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....