Literal jokes

What does an Emo do with his friends?

Literally hanging out.

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is literally just a scoreboard.

Man: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes?

Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

Siri: Uh...

*phone literally explodes*

I’m literally scratching my itchy balls right now.

Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?

Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."

Literally the most popular job: YouTube.

Why is being an electrician the easiest job in the world? It's literally light work.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?

"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"

Someone cutting the cheese then farted.

Someone sees the cheese, and it smelled like crap (literally). He said, "Who cut the cheese?"

NORTH INDIANS: Decent, but overrated af. They are the only thing that comes to many ppl's minds when someone says "Indian".

SOUTH INDIANS: Decent, but underrated af. Many ppl don't even know they exist. They are literally asked if they are North Indians.

WEST AND EAST: Decent but underrated af.

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.😈

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?

Because they literally can't even.

In 9/11, people were dying for the pizza. But it was at the bottom, so they had to die for it literally.

I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.

Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.

Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.