Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is literally just a scoreboard.
I’m literally scratching my itchy balls right now.
Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?
Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."
I have two things i wanna say: 1. when ppl swear stop taking it so fucking literally. if someone calls u a bitch, they're not calling u a female dog. if they call u a cunt, they're not calling u a woman's private part, they r calling u either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby or something along those lines. ffs 2. wtf
someone cutting the cheese then farted. someone sees the cheese and it smelled like crap(literally) he said, "who cut the cheese?
Literally the most popular job: youtube
Why's being an electrician the easiest job in the world? It's literally light work
What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?
"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"
Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?
Because they literally can't even.
So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.
I'm scared that it moves at night.
I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.
Apex Legends: exists.
Titanfall fandom: (Literally on fire and at war with itself) "Everything is fine."
I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.
I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
No one:
Literally no one:
Abraham Lincoln: *dies*
John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called 'serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude come on you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
