My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Literal Jokes
I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!
Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.
I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.
Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.
I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.
She literally died a crazy bitch.
Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?
Because they literally can't even.
What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?
"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"
NORTH INDIANS: Decent, but overrated af. They are the only thing that comes to many ppl's minds when someone says "Indian".
SOUTH INDIANS: Decent, but underrated af. Many ppl don't even know they exist. They are literally asked if they are North Indians.
WEST AND EAST: Decent but underrated af.
Rape victims suck, literally.
Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
(Omg omg literally dislike I'm so cringe!)
Your penis is literally BLUE!
Hang in there, you all, Literally.
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
Why do people come on here just to say that we should not be making these jokes? They literally look this shit up just to complain.
Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
Yah, hurtful towards you. Bro took it personally, literally.
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.
Literally the most popular job: YouTube.