Like Jokes

What looks like it has jaundice and is filled with stupidity?

A Mexican.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Looks like someone's funny bone's broken!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

A snowflake image on a dark blue background with the text: "Friends are like snowflakes. When you pee on them, they disappear."

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

How are Tinder and orphans alike?

You swipe left till you find the one you like.

I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!

Why does Michael Jackson like Chef Boyardee? He likes the little balls.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

What’s the difference between football and rape?

Women don’t like football.

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”