Lifestyle jokes
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
Abortion isn't murder, it's just canceling a pre-order.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."
Yo mama's so fat, her pad is a king-size mattress.
Why is it bad to high five an emo?
They will leave themselves hanging.
How do homeless people punish their children?
What are their children going to do? Go to their room?
Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
Why do people eat cereal for breakfast?
Because why not.
I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.
Wash It Away - By Bradley Lewis(watersharky) and Ben Lewis and Watersharky Music Productions - Why does it always feel like I'm the one that's had a bad day?
Whether I'm stuck in traffic or showing up to work late,
Oh this 9 to 5 feels like 9 to forever been working all week
For a jerk that thinks they can say whatever they want to me
I'll just bite my tongue for a couple more days
Soon I'll be in that island sun surfing those waves
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta wash it away
Finally I'm here and I can't even stop myself from smiling
Somebody hand me a beer and I'll check the girls on the island
Don't miss my 9 to 5
Living like a local on this island time
I got those sandy toes and nobody knows jump in the ocean and just go with the flow
I'll miss my sandy toes
I've got to go back before you know this island is my home
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta wash it away
Wash it away
I need the beach I love the ocean
Put my feet in the sand
Watch the earth in motion
Ya had a bad week ya had a bad day
Take it to the shoreside and wash it away
Oh yeah
You gotta
Wash it away
Wash it away
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?
After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.
Why is it good to be an orphan?
Because every bag of chips is family sized.
A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.
I'm high and it's very hot.
I need some water, but I don't got none. AHAHA.
I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.