Life jokes
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
Who wants to laugh about life with me?
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Hey, Kenya, what is your favorite song?
"Lonely."
Murueurx.
Do not tell an orphan family meeting; they wouldn't get it.
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life?
Why was the dog so stressed out?
It had a ruff day.
My dignity to live.
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
Food makers are proudly presenting human flesh-made foods. Donate your useless friends and family to us because we're saving lives.
T and C apply. This is only in the best shops in your town, or down the road, or in your country. 1 like = 1 family member donated 'cause we're saving lives😎😎
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.
He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.
Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.
Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.
Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!
Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."
Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."