Life jokes

Red, black, blue. The colors of life.

Why are life and a penis alike?

Women make both of them hard.

Why do orphans do so well in life?

When people told them "Go big or go home," they only had one option.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Why was the dog so stressed out?

It had a ruff day.

What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.

My dignity to live.

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

In life, some people have it harder than others.

That's why Viagra exists.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.

Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there?

Not Susie.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

The Stigg and his fake ass life.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”