Life jokes
Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets finished pretty quickly if you're a fat guy.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
Why is life like penises?
Women make it hard.
Have you heard about kids with AIDS?
It never gets old.
Who wants to laugh about life with me?
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Hey, Kenya, what is your favorite song?
"Lonely."
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
Murueurx.
-->[]life death[]<--
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...
- But?
- ...
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.
Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!
Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."
Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.