Life jokes

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

What did one ghost say to the other?

"Get a life!"

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Hey, Kenya, what is your favorite song?

"Lonely."

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

-->[]life death[]<--

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

I had fun.

I did a good walk, and I did a good job of it.

Do not tell an orphan family meeting; they wouldn't get it.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Why was the dog so stressed out?

It had a ruff day.

People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.

My dignity to live.

Murueurx.

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”