Life jokes

Me die.

Guess whose parents didn't survive?

Liv's parents.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

You're so poor. You're just PO, you can't even afford the other O and R.

When people ask my age, this is what I do.

“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”

I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.

Go touch some grass, bro.

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

What does a dick and an elderly person have in common? They are both short.

Beethoven composed his whole life.

What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

What do you call an orphan when they eat a meal? A family dinner.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

Being pro-life.

What's the difference between a baseball game and an orphan?

There's a home to go back to.

I know everything about Walt Disney! How he died, how his mom and dad died, how his kids died, when he was born, where he was born, and how he was born. 😏

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

Couldn't be me being an orphan.