Life jokes

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

Go touch some grass, bro.

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

What does a dick and an elderly person have in common? They are both short.

Being pro-life.

What's the difference between a baseball game and an orphan?

There's a home to go back to.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

Life is never hard until you get hit hard with reality.

Why was the orphan so successful? They said "go big or go home," but he could not do the second.

Couldn't be me being an orphan.

What's worse than dedicating your life to build back the towers? Doing it and getting terrorized for it...

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

You're so poor. You're just PO, you can't even afford the other O and R.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, he will fly once. Throw a man off an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life."

- Sun Tzu

What do you call an orphan when they eat a meal? A family dinner.

If you got a bowling ball and you stuck it on top of a sack of potatoes, what would you get?

A "retiree."

Beethoven composed his whole life.

What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Well, you know what they say, time flies when you're just a ball of anxiety and stress. :D