I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.
Life Jokes
"I swear I'm the real Gwen! I swear on my life!"
A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"
I said, "Yes, I know I am."
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
Friend: What goes up but not down?
You: Your age.
I am really hot, but I hate water. What am I?
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.
Why was the rapper always happy?
Because he lived life on the rhyme side!
Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.
Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.
Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.
My life is like... the shoe rack-
"One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.
Me die.
Guess whose parents didn't survive?
Liv's parents.
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
Yo mama so stupid, your mama thinks that VR is real life.
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
Confusion life question!!!
* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Your own life, hah!
How can you make a orphans hand bleed?
Real them to clap until there parent come home.
