Life jokes
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.
What will make a depressed teenager happy?
A cliff.
What do you call a pig that does Karate?
I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?
Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."
Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"
Someone: . . .
Not a joke?
More like not an existing organism in life.
What type of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.
We forge the chains we wear in life.
What happened when the emo kid gave the tree a high five? It left him hanging.
Why is death taken so lightly?
Because you can take it so quickly.
Why is death taken so lightly?
Because anyone can take it.
What type of jokes do you tell an orphan?
Family jokes.
If you think your life is bad, then people are discussing the gender of Mr. Potato Head.
What do you call an orphan?
Kyan.
What does a dick and an elderly person have in common? They are both short.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
What's worse than dedicating your life to build back the towers? Doing it and getting terrorized for it...
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.