Law jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.

What's fast and almost got away?

A Mexican jumping the border.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

What's similar between McDonald's and priests?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

I got raped when I was 5 in my princess pajamas by my dad. Nobody laughed at these jokes; they just cried.

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."

What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?

If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

For pedophiles, watching teen porn must be like watching mature porn.

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?

So that they can be wanted.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

What do you call a racist crow?

Jim.