Law Enforcement jokes

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

So, there was this cop on the top bunk of a bunk bed.

Another cop walks in and sits on the bottom bunk and the cop on the top bunk bed said, "You're under a-rest."

In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.

One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.

What do the initials FBI stand for?

Federal Bureau of Idiots.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

So I saw the police. I yelled, "Dumper, get into the fucking yumper!"

What does a cop say when they shoot ginger?

"Orange is the new black."

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

*trigger alert*

Why did the racist cop shut down the space brothel?

Because there were too many black holes.

There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

Yo mama so fat, the cops arrested her because she had 240 pounds of crack on her.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

The best part about Poland 🇵🇱 is that the police lights are different.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”