Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
I wasnβt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
What did Joe Biden say when he got pulled over?
I'm just a-Biden the law, officer.
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
What is the best feeling for an orphan when he plays Grand Theft Auto?
When he is wanted!
What's the difference between a pig and a police officer?
The pig smells better.
Why does the orphan do robberies?
Because he wants to be wanted.
Why do orphans play GTA?
'Cause they're actually wanted.
What is the difference between orphans and serial killers?
Serial killers are wanted.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
What is a Mexican's only obstacle?
Border patrol.
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!
So, there was this cop on the top bunk of a bunk bed.
Another cop walks in and sits on the bottom bunk and the cop on the top bunk bed said, "You're under a-rest."
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, βYou ought to be arrested.β The teacher confusedly asked, βWhy?β The student explained, βBecause youβre thinking like Albert Fish.β
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said Iβm so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.
Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.
