Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.
I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
What did a cannibal have as his last meal?
Five guys.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?
A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.
We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.
Then, she asked me flirtatiously,
"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet."
She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,
"Mom, are you still awake?"
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
