Last will jokes
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
Memes
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Cremation,
The last chance for a smoking hot body.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”