Language jokes
My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dumplin.
Dumplin who?
Dumplin the killer.
See, I was always told puns are funny.
But I can see now they aren't punny.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why is 1026 afraid of 1028?
Because 1028 1029.
Hell you fuck, bitch, dick!
You do not spell "computer" like this; you spell it like this: "cumputer."
Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
How many East Asians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Tu.
A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
What is Jay?
Phat.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
1. Your brother says... “you look ugly.” You say back... “Nice, I was trying to look like you.”
2. You're so dumb, I'm surprised you even made it to kindergarten.
3. The ugly vowels: A, E, I, O, and YOU.