Language jokes
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.
With the sentence "Die in hell," you can buy shoes in Germany.
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
My name is Watt.
What’s your name?
Watt’s my name.
Yes, what is your name?
My name is John Watt.
John What?
Yes, are you Jones?
No, I’m Knott.
Will you tell me your name?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott!
*hangs up*
I asked my French mate if he had a games console. He said, "Oui!"
That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!
Cock cock, who's there? Nobody.
Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Once, there was a kid named Cale, but his classmates didn’t know it was spelled with a “C,” so they asked him if he could be their snack.
I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
Hey John, how are you going?
Helium, yeah good, what about you?
(Hey Liam)
I asked a Chinese girl her number, she said "Sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight." I said, "Wow!"
Her friend corrected her by saying, "She means: 666-3629."
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
It's punny.
Why can't your nose be twelve inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
You can't spell "Funeral" without "fun."
Orphans
The “F” in orphan stands for family.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!