Kill jokes

When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.

"BlessedBrian must be a SMOKE DETECTOR... because he never fails to kill the vibe."

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Yo mama so fat, she was the asteroid that killed the dinos.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

One time I was playing a bongo at a Chinese restaurant.

But they were competing against a Cuban restaurant and killed me.

"Dinosaur killing with a 2x4, no more purple dinosaur!"

Why did Kenny die?

Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?

"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."

Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

Teacher: What is the moral even?

Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.

A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."

Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.

One time an ant was collecting food. Suddenly, a wind pushed the ant into the river. The ant said, "Help! Help!" and a pigeon heard it. Then, he grabbed a leaf and threw it in the river. The ant climbed on it, and then the pigeon and the ant became best friends. But one time, a hunter came to kill the pigeon. When the ant saw him, she bit his leg and the pigeon flew away from the arrow, and that's how friends are, everybody.

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination." The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you." The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, "What was that for?" The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Three cowboys are at a fire talking about the best things they have done.

Cowboy 1 says, "I have taken out a whole group of raiders with my bare hands."

Cowboy 2 says, "I have killed a herd of bulls with my thumb."

Cowboy 3 chuckles as he mixes the fire with his dick.

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

What job lets you kill the most people?

An abortion doctor.

My Mom said, "I have a daughter that killed herself for getting bullied."

Well, I said, "Have you seen her?"

What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?

Fresh roadkill.