Kid jokes

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.

Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

Kid: Knock, knock.

Orphan: Who’s there?

Kid: Not your parents.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Bro, I’m so pissed. There is always that one kid in the class who the teacher helps. I hate that guy in the wheelchair.

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.

A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree, who made it to the floor first?

The leaf. The emo kid was caught on a rope.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.

What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!

How is an emo kid’s wrist like Pink Floyd?

It’s all shitty until you reach the final cut.

Parents are like food—not all kids get them.

What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?

If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.