Kid jokes

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

Parents are like food—not all kids get them.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Go to an orphanage and tell a kid his parents came back.

A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar, just kidding.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

What's the difference between three dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't own a Ferrari.

Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.

Son: Really?

Also 2 hours later:

Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.

Mom: Son, I-

Kid #1: You're adopted.

Kid #2: At least they wanted me.

Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.

What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.

What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.

House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

I got suspended for telling the emo kid to hang in there.

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?

They both are plastic and like kids.