Kid jokes

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

Jason Kenney has never worried about putting food on the table for his kids.

"Knuckle babies" don't eat.

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

Why do kids like bananas?

'Cause they like doing the nana.

"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.

Because we couldn't afford a dog.

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

Remember kids, ejaculate, then evacuate.

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!

What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?

Moses hits the adoption lottery!

Ooh, I wonder what's on this browser. *clicks* "How to tell your kid they're adopted."

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

The teacher made us present a slideshow to introduce ourselves.

Mine is bright and colorful with music. It was so good that a kid started dancing!