Kick jokes

I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.

I kicked my leg into my dad's balls in 1999.

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

I kicked a ball at the kid in the wheelchair, and now we're playing Rocket League.

What store does an orphan always get kicked out of?

Home Depot.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

Why do people play soccer?

Because people need to kick harder to win a parent.

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

What's the same about a newborn and a football?

You can kick them both very easily.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

I kicked the shit out of Little Johnny.

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

I kick a soccer ball at someone in a wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.

Knock knock. Who's there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana kick your a**!

So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.

So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”

Why can't an orphan play kickball?

Because they can't hit home.

Why did the ball person go to the doctor?

He was kicked in the balls.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!

You gotta believe me!