Kick jokes
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.
Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.
Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.
Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.
Pastor: You deserve to die.
- I attack
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
How to kick a deaf person off the plane:
Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.
Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.
Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.
Emo kids are so good at kicking football. I hear they have good hang time.
Why did the chicken cross the road why? Because they wanted to kick someone in the family.
Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?
Me: Want to play 911?
My little brother: What's that?
Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.
I HATE URANUS! I WANNA KICK IT!
I tried to eat ass once. The donkeys got one hell of a kick!
Why shouldn't you get in a fight with a dinosaur?
You'll get jur ass kicked.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
Bob, why are you kicking the kids?
What, it's not like they have a home to go to.
When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...
Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.
I had a disability where I kept pronouncing my "g" as an "r", so one day, I said I liked grapes. Of course, I pronounced it "I like rapes." I was kicked out of preschool.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.