Joke jokes

What did the orphan say to the crippled man?

I suffer from crippling depression.

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?

Daddy.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

What do the initials BIBLE stand for?

Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Want to hear a joke?

Fortnite.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Why was the emo kid sad? Because his bar code expired.

What does the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going inside."

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.