Joke jokes

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?

Daddy.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Want to hear a joke?

Fortnite.

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

Why was the emo kid sad? Because his bar code expired.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

What does the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going inside."

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

What do you call a person with Down syndrome in a bathtub?

Vegetable soup.

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?

I don't know! I don't care!

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.