Joke jokes

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"

Why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"

"Because I was Russian!"

Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.

What is 80 feet wide and has 22 teeth?

Answer: The front row of a Trump Rally!

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

What's the only good thing about being an orphan?

All snacks are family sized!