Joke jokes
Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?
Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.
Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."
Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.