Joke jokes

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at your front door?

Matt.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

Have you seen the new movie Constipation?

You haven't?

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

The snowballs.

Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?

Because they always come out clean.

What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?

Taxi.

What do you call a retard in a house fire?

Flame Retardant.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"

I knocked on Stephen Hawking's door, but nobody answered...

All I got was "error 404 page not found."

They found water on Mars. Mars:1 Africa:0

What do you get when you put a suicide bomber in a wheel chair? An RC-XD.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Orphans don't get picked.

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"

What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."

I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My life.

My life who?

My life is depressing...

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

I tried to catch fog, I mist...