Joke jokes

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at your front door?

Matt.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

What do you call a retard in a house fire?

Flame Retardant.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

They found water on Mars. Mars:1 Africa:0

What do you get when you put a suicide bomber in a wheel chair? An RC-XD.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Orphans don't get picked.

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"

What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."

I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My life.

My life who?

My life is depressing...

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

I tried to catch fog, I mist...

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

Son: Mom, what is dark humor?

Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?

Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!

Mom: Exactly!

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"

You know how 7 ate 9? Why was 10 scared? It's because he was in the middle of 9/11. 🤣

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

What’s worse than nailing 10 babies to 1 tree?

Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.