Jesus

Jesus jokes

Guy

    • Guys, this is so disrespectful, I love Jesus. I go to church every Tuesday morning to give Jesus a... giffffffft.

    So disrespectful guys. #jesusismyhubby

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    • Hell

    • Jesus has had all the time in the world and all the power in the world to do whatever he wanted.

    Guess what he has to show for nothing, but putting us in hell!

    Being an absolute waste breathe of life, and of power!

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    • Bike

    • How did Jesus kill himself?

    He fell from his bike.

    How many times did he die?

    Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

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    • Jesus memes

    Felon

    • I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

    Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

    ...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.

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    • Eternal Life

    • The reason why God and Jesus have eternal life and the power, aka (holy spirit) is to control us, take our free will, and our eternal life, which is our heaven. Our time!

    Just to show up, in the nick of time for the second coming in full costume ready to judge us. Them spending a lifetime preparing their big speech, their excuse of them hiding this whole time.

    Lol, Surprise!

    Joke being on them.

    As we all stand there and are there to judge them, doing what they said they were made for.

    Taking our eternal life back from Satan and the Devil and sending them to their home they created themselves!

    HELL!

    P.S. With a little extra punishments!

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    • Cross

    • What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

    "Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

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    • Meth

    • You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.

    Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA

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    • Pencil

    • Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly. “Correct,” says the teacher. The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts. “Correct again,” says the teacher. The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep. This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?” Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

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    • Curtain

    • Bick: Jesus isn't real.

    Ron: Yes, He is.

    Bick: Prove it, bitch.

    Ron: Cussing is a sin. Open the curtains.

    Bick: Wh-?

    Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!

    The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.

    Ron: Fuck you, Jesus.

    Bick: Told you Jesus was real.

    Satan: Get to work, slaves.

    Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.

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    • Mama

    • Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"

    Life

    • Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.

    I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.

    Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.

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