Jealous jokes
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that always comes out of your mouth?
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.
I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.
I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
Yo mama so rich the Socs got jealous.
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.
If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.
If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.
Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?
Lights are hanging.
I bet the emo kids are jealous when they go to a funeral.
Why are emos jealous of light?
The lights are hanging.
You're so fake, Barbie was jealous of you!
The man was dangling by a string!
I was jealous the day he died.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)
Your forehead is damn big, Walt was jealous of you.
Your hairline is so far back, it makes the Giant from Clash of Clans jealous!