it's jokes

You wanna hear a suicide joke? Nvm, it didn't make it.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Sorry for all the jokes, I'll end it.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?

you flip it over.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

What’s the opposite of an exorcism?

It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

How do you get your grass to cut itself?

Make it depressed.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.