it's jokes

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.