it's jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it is seafood.

Wanna hear a joke about cheese? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

If you hit a child, that's child abuse.

If you hit a family member, that's abuse.

If you kill either, it's murder for some reason.

If it's a whole family, it's genocide for another reason.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I saw a monkey yesterday, and thought it was you.

Anyone know about the war? It's not Russia we should hate, it's Putin that we should. 🙄🤪💅

I gave the blind kid a gun and called it a hair dryer.

Tip for Kindness for the day.

Tip one. Always speak up for yourself.

Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for yourself, be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for yourself and others if they need it. Best, Gwen

I didn’t know Stephen Hawking died. Oh god, it must have been when I disconnected the Wi-Fi!

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

Q: Why did the fault line start acting crazy?

A: Because it was on crack.

When does it rain money?

When there's a change in the weather.

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

Why did the booty go to therapy?

It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.

Why is it cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.