it's jokes

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?

Alien vs Predator.

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

Why is 10 afraid? Because it is in the middle of 9/11.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

A depresso espresso.

JK.

It's cyanide.

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?

what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?

Panera Wed.