it's jokes

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After hours of agonising pain... it died.

How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

How to kill a blind person.

Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

Got the George Floyd pack, this shit makin' it hard to breathe.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?

Because it's 90 degrees.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.