IT jokes

When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

Joe mama so fat when she went to the movies, she sat next to everybody.

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time, please."

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."

It's important to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Why is there no woman on the moon?

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned.

Am I the only one who's on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop and I can't use my phone in class?

Cows go moo.

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw it.

Just a joke: When Stephen Hawking fell over and hurt his leg, his dad said, "It'll get better, just walk it off!"

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

Why does the heart listen to music a lot?

Because it loves feeling the beat.

Why did Michael Jackson decide to sell the ranch?

Because it was over 10 years old.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?

Friends: No, what is it?

Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.

If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.

Why can't an orphan make a YouTube channel?

'Cause they can't make it family friendly.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?

"Mind if I join you?"