INS jokes
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
Euro-peein'.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
Stop hating on pedos; at least they drive slow in a school zone, smh 🤣
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What did the blind man fight in the bar?
The coat rack.
When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.
Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park in his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Damn, I love being a sniper.
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.