INS jokes
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...
But now I don't know what to do with the letters.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive subject.
WTF is this?
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
What do a blonde and a cow have in common?
They're both fat af.
Why is vegetable soup hard to cook? Because you can't fit the wheelchair in!
Who is the fastest reader? 9/11, it went through 10 stories in 7 seconds.
One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.
In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"
The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."
In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"
The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."
In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"
The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."
Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack!
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.
Why was 10 afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.