INS jokes

Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

Two fish walked into a wall. One said to the other, "Dam!"

I wanted to play as Kobe in my console, but the game crashed.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Once I'm done choking you,

You will be too.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.

What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.