INS jokes
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?
A. Batman's parents.
What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
The toilet paper tried to cross the road. He couldn't because he was stuck in a crack.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
What’s the best time to commit suicide?
8 a’glock in the morning.
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.