INS jokes
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways.
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
Where did JFK go in his car? I am not sure of his intentional destination, but he did go everywhere.
My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺
Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.
You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
What’s the best time to commit suicide?
8 a’glock in the morning.
Rizz
Are you a basketball hoop? 'Cause I want to put my balls in you.
Are you a photo biographer? 'Cause I can picture us together.
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.