INS jokes
My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "In front of me."
I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.
What do apples and depressed kids have in common?
They both hang on trees.
Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach one day, and Eve says to Adam, "Let's go for a swim." Adam replies, "I'm not in the mood."
She says, "Okay, I will go by myself." She puts her toes in the water and splashes around and says, "The water is beautiful, come in!" Adam replies, "Na, still not in the mood."
Eve wades into the water until she gets to her waist. Adam jumps up and yells at Eve standing waist deep and says, "Oh no, now all the fish are gonna smell like that!"
Say what you want about Hitler, but in the end, he did kill Hitler.
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
Her husband prepares them a romantic dinner. The wife tells her husband about her desire for it. The husband was clueless about such acts. So, the wife tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay underneath her naked in the reverse missionary position.
She starts thrusting with his meat inside of her and starts waiting for him to thrust along with her thrusts. However, the husband didn’t know what to do, so he just laid there. Suddenly the wife had an urge to pee, but held it in because her husband’s joystick was right inside her. She loses control after a while and lets one drip out. The wife apologizes profusely and continues thrusting her husband. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another drip of urine run down the husband’s schlong to his pelvis.
The husband throws the wife from the couch, gets up, and says,
"Honey, if you think I’ll be screwed by you for more of that, you’re out of your mind."
Why did Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie attend Paul Walker’s funeral?
He went from "The Fast and the Furious" to "Gone in 60 Seconds."
There was an oil spill in the ocean. Now the ocean can't see!
HOLY CRAP!!!
Crap with holes in it.
Get it? HOLE - Y?
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.
I saw a kid crying in the corner. I asked them where their parents are. Man, I love working at an orphanage!
Your mum sunk in the pool because she had a big butt.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
9/11 was like the 4th of July. It was very bright in the skies.
One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.
Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.
Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"
Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!
Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!
