INS jokes
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.
Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.
Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.
A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.
If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.
How many skinny people can fit in a tub? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain.
An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.
"I will see her in one week!"
A week later, he died.
What is a pedophile's favorite song?
Jerking off in A minor.
Why was the rapper always well-dressed?
Because he knew the importance of FLOW in FASHION.
What's two lesbians in a tent?
A finger hut.
Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!
You were born on a highway in a car crash, I wonder why.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.
So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂
So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.