INS jokes
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
What did a magic house 🏠 do?
Make someone in a wheelchair.
Why are cheetahs the best animals?
The cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world. They can reach a top speed of around 113 km per hour.
A cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 113 km in just a few seconds.
Cheetahs are extremely fast; however, they tire quickly and can only keep up their top speed for a few minutes before they are too tired to continue.
Cheetahs are smaller than other members of the big cat family, weighing only 45 – 60 kilograms.
One way to always recognize a cheetah is by the long, black lines which run from the inside of each eye to the mouth. These are usually called “tear lines,” and scientists believe they help protect the cheetah’s eyes from the harsh sun and help them to see long distances.
Cheetahs are the only big cat that cannot roar. They can purr though and usually purr most loudly when they are grooming or sitting near other cheetahs.
While lions and leopards usually do their hunting at night, cheetahs hunt for food during the day.
A cheetah has amazing eyesight during the day and can spot prey from 5 km away.
Cheetahs cannot climb trees and have poor night vision.
With their light body weight and blunt claws, cheetahs are not well designed to protect themselves or their prey. When a larger or more aggressive animal approaches a cheetah in the wild, it will give up its catch to avoid a fight.
Cheetahs only need to drink once every three to four days.
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.
If 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, then why was 10 afraid?
Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
What do condoms and whores have in common?
Answer: There is a lot that comes in every box.
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
Why do people say "cheese" in a camera?
Because they were using the computer.
Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?
The guy was black.
John saw a Gay in a wheelchair.
"I didn't know a man could be a fruit and a Vegetable!"
What did the blind man fight in the bar?
The coat rack.
Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.
My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.
What happens if you put your hand in glue? Your hand will stay there forever! I'm joking, hahaha!
Where were the first French Fries 🍟 made?
In Greece.
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They wear their ice chains.
What did the bull say when got hit in the special area? "Damn my bulls!" Ahahaha