INS jokes
Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?
Because all of his friends argon.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.
Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?
A penguin in a blender.
How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.
FEW!!!!!!!
He scares me
Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?
'Cause there’s too many cheetahs.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."
The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Wipe your feet before entering, but in Stephen Hawking's case, it is "Wipe your wheels."
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
Do you know Ligma?
Have fun rubbing those balls in your tomatoes!
He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"
Hey, can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives you two nights in a row.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What do you call a rare fart in Egypt? A toot uncommon!