INS jokes
When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
Never hide something behind a bookshelf. It's the oldest trick in the book!
He's got a massive f*cking cock, Ayew, Ayew. He tucks it in his football sock, Ayew, Ayew. Shagged a bird and now she's dead, Swung his cock around her head, Jordan Ayew Palace number nine.
What do you call a bunch of bald paki in a swimming pool? Coco pops.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?
Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.
Why are there 25 letters in the alphabet? Because the D is in U.
A kid had school today.
He was late every single day. He said in his mind, "I wish I can go to school again." What happened? It's obvious...... He died :)
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?
One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.
What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks.
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.
Why does a brother love his sister?
Because he came in her.
What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven
Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere
Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.