INS jokes

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

What do Miss Reeves and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have a touchy feeling for kids.

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

What do you call a cow that lives in Africa? Moo-fasa!

What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?

A jammy cunt.

What does a Mexican not like in their drink? Ice.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

When does it rain money?

When there's a change in the weather.

"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.

I was in the bank one day, and this old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

My heart is like a plane.

It crashes every once in a while.

I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."

And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.

So, I was in the bathroom at school washing up, and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like, "Hey, can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like, "Sure." I was like, "Come here." So she came over to me. I was like, "Girl, look at yourself in the mirror." And she started laughing so hard, and she said, "I'm so ugly."

So in prep class, the students were asked to write a letter to their grandparents for Grandparents Day.

Little Johnny's friend, Little Sally, wrote things like, "Thank you," and, "You are so nice!" And Little Johnny goes, "What are you doing? You got it wrong!" So Sally says, "What do you mean? It's a letter." Little Johnny says, "Why did you do it like that? Just write a letter from the alphabet like the teacher said!" Then he says, "I wrote a J to remind them of me!"

If you take a shot, a paper wad, in the trashcan, and call "Kobe!" but miss, it's still a Kobe.