INS jokes
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”
The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”
So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”
The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
What do orphans and Spider-Man have in common?
They both have no way home.
Orphan: Am going to see my mom in the kitchen because they are always in there.
Orphan: Realizes.
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have pockets. I’m
Everybody is wondering what position Kenny will give his brother in their new company.
Probably top.
Kenny likes to be the bottom in every sexual encounter.
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
No one shuts up about them.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
Foreplay in may areas: "You awake?"
Way down South: "You awake, mom?"
Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
In America, you find Waldo.
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you.