INS jokes
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.
Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
What is the strongest weapon in India?
The red button (this is a fact).
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
The American Dream is real. It's just set and filmed in Toronto and not Texas.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for burgers and fries.
what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
Everything is made in China... except for baby girls.
What do a stripper and a coconut have in common? They both have a creamy center.
Roses are red, violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there with you, But not in the cage, but laughing at you.
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."