INS jokes

Why did the car key never fit in?

He was too door key.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

Dad joke time:

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.

Black and bitter.

Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!

There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?

There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.

(Just a joke, no offense.)

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?

A: They were both shot in a theater.

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.