INS jokes

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?

They both erupt when triggered.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it's a soap opera.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

add me in Roblox wholetthedogsoutyou1 lol who let the dogs out you you you you you?

what do sloths and depressed people have in common? ... they both hang from trees.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

Why did the astronauts take a box of cereal and a cow with them? In case they bypassed the Milky Way!

A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?

A: A couch potato. HaHaHa

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

I got caught doing donuts in the parking lot, and I know what y'all are thinking.

Who names their dog Donuts?

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."