INS jokes

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

What do vacuums and your mom have in common?

They both suck.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?

When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."

What is the most played game in Africa?

The Hunger Games.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

What is a dry swimmer?

Not in the water...

Mr. Smith had four daughters. Each of his daughters had a brother. How many children does Mr. Smith have?

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.

Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.