INS jokes
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
Q: What do you call 6 gay men in the army?
A: Rainbow Six Siege.
How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?
His face was chiseled in a mountain.
Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.
When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.
Dad: "I'll be back in a minute."
20 years later
Orphan: "Dad?"
I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."
My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?
Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.
Why did the old man win in a fight? Because he was stressed.
What goes in small and soft?
And comes out big and hard?
A tea bag.
My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.
Why do orphans have water in cereal?
Because mom was never around to produce milk.
One thing about disabled people is they never set foot in prison.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."
If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?
He fell for her.
Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.