INS jokes
School shootings are everywhere. In ice cream shops and even the woods.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.
Dad: Want to go to the park, kid?
Kid: Sure.
Dad: Come on.
Kid: Why are we at the orphanage?
Dad: Go in.
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."
- Charlie Chaplin
One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.
Uma Thurman in "Pulp Fiction" was very kind and possibly the sweetest character, unless you count her forehead as of now.
When the quiet kid lost a game of basketball and reaches into his bag,
other people in the gym: "Oh shit this nigga bout to shoot."
I threw my boomerang and now I live in constant fear.
When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!
You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.
There’s this girl who gets bullied for being in a wheelchair.
Why don’t she stand up for herself?
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
Want to hear the worst joke ever? Then look in a mirror.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.