There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
I hit myself on a window yesterday. I really felt the pane.
What's got 6 legs, 3 arms, and 3 heads?
The finish line at the Boston marathon.
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”
I put glue in a man :)
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.
"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.
"What is it?" The doctor asks.
"I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.
". . . That's because I amputated your arms."
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
Why are smurfs blue?
Because they get bruises all the time.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
You're so lucky bullies don't have a chance to push you around anymore?
They'll get theirs when they're in a wheelchair?
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
